Late Breaking News


(So good, it gets it’s own shirt)

The word “Twitter” sounds sexual to me…somebody’s doing something to something…


If you’re going to see The Dark Knight…take me with you…


(The only way to fly)

The thing I like most about flying…

Is the gassy guy sitting two rows ahead dropping monster, tear inducing, ass-goblins the entire trip then having the great fortune of getting off the plane before me…

You know; so I can enjoy his musky butt funk for a few more moments…


People who call “dibbs” are idiots…

The concept is stupid. By saying a “word”, everything in reality should be changed. If it’s in my hand, & I got to it before you did, the only thing you can call is the “Whiner Police” to ask them if they give a shit…


(Dirt road hugs, are the best hugs)

After a fist date, I like to walk the gal back to her door, tell her I had, “a lovely evening”, & remind them the reason they were blackmailed to go on the date in the 1st place… Usually it’s about seeing their cats again, which I already sold to a local Chinese restaurant…


Kids say the darndist things…when you have them gagged & tied up in your trunk…


Can you please pass me the “fire Island” hot sauce? I’d like to ruin my mouth, meal, & ass…


Shows all weekend at Zanies! Get there!!!

For showtimes & tickets hit up:


Check it out!!! New “Chick Pounder – Adult Film Star” short…

Spreads the word like butta on a bagel!!!


(It looks like coffee prices, not gas prices)

Next time you go to get gas…

Walk in with your last receipt from Chilli-bee’s or Benna-garden’s and lay in on the counter. When they ask, “What’s this?”, politely point to the gas prices & say,

“Well since you’re fucking me, the least you can do is pay for diner”


Have you ever notice some people are as dumb as they thought they were?

5/6/08 I found this on E-bay…

(Beats a bottle, quiets em, AND it’s recyclable)

Going for $172.37…I thought it was overprice until I found out the beer is included…

I have a brand new alcoholic baby boy!!!


If a lawyer who has multiple personalities masturbates, can they sue themselves for sexual assault?


Don’t look at me; whatever you’re not pissed about is Oprah’s fault…


Show tonight at Zanies! Doing the Chicago leg of the Jeff Kreisler’s Comedy Central “Comedy Against Evil” tour…

(Happy to be featuring in this wonderful show)

Please the word like butter on a bagel; heavy & often. Don’t miss it! If you do, incurable disease is likely to follow…

Get there…


Here’s a quick list of April Fool’s joke’s to play on people:
-Switch similar looking keys on co-workers key chains.
-Tell Cubs fans they’re tearing down Wrigley Field.
-Use your cell phone on a crowed bus say, “It’s contagious to anyone around me doctor?”
-Start crying at work. When your boss comes up to ask you what’s wrong say, “I finally decided to call you an asshole to your face, but I’ll most likely be fired”


Running on the "You CAN pick your friends, and you can pick your nose; but now you CAN pick your friends nose...& I'll do it!" slogan...

(The spinning plates magically disappeared)

She appears to be picking up massive votes from the let's ignore the Democratic process, outright lie attempting to over-turn rules set in place for FLA/MICH, fight for mathematically unattainable results, & irrevocably damaging the party we're running for possibly causing a loss in the general election camp

She's acting like a seven year old who doesn't have enough money to go to Great America by running around the house of the Democratic party, flipping tables, screaming "I hate you", destroying couches, kicking pets, & smearing shit on the walls… She’s a robot!


Ashton Kutcher reminds me of…

(Ashton declares, “I have the world in my hands”. A set hand correctly points out it’s not a globe; it’s a disco ball. Then he says, “I fuck chics!”)

…that one guy at house parties who stays in the kitchen the whole night leaning against the counter saying, “Pffffffffffffffffffft, I’ve seen bigger”…


National Drunk Day! For determined people, that’s everyday. They’re called alcoholics…


Bret Favre announced his retirement today. Even lifelong Bears fans had to respect him because he played the game the right way. Sadly, he’ll still throw for 398 yards and 3 touchdowns against the Bears this year…

2/30/08 I found your car keys in my pocket…three years ago. I probably shoulda said something about it…


Have you ever noticed drive-thru ATM’s have brail on the keypads?

(Which ATM isn’t “Temporarily Out Of Service”?)

I guess blind people are driving way more than I thought…


Look what I got for Valentines Day…

(Nothing says “Creeptacular” like a good old-fashioned piece of law paper forcing a whack-job to keep their distance)

…a restraining order! According to some new law, it’s wrong to charm your favorite gal with a pair of binoculars and a series of harassing phone calls. “Since when?”, I wondered aloud. How do young people fall in love now-a-days? The inter-a-nets? In my day, that we called it “courting”. It was pure, unadulterated, irrationally awkward, illegal love.

BTW-Great news…writers strike is over!


Sorry it's been a while...I blame Guitar Hero III...

(My Guitar Hero III instructor Matthew)

My licks are sick, my chords are wammied, & nobody "hammers on" or does "pull offs" better than "nobody", I mean anyone missing their fingers. It's a select group…

If you like feeling old, rediscovering your own horribly off beat rhythm, or be humiliated regularly by 8 and 9 year olds all across this country, I suggest you play on-line. I find it easier to shuffle a deck of cards filled with razor blades or stack several household appliances on my head while drinking a jug of my own urine than hit basic cords to Pearl Jams Even Flow. That's why I'm climbing in my time machine, and heading back to where games were real, boss, and a little easier to play. Stuff like punch out. Here I come Glass Joe, Pizza Pasta, and Bald Bull…left, left, right, body blow, body blow!

(Funny, I don't remember Uncle Jesse in Punch Out)


The Giants will win Super bowl 42(fuck off roman numerals)…

(Fans wear this to every game to prevent injury from falling dead bodies)

If they don’t, the entire free world’ll have to listen to Bostonians gloat forever.

If you’ve ever heard a Bostonian boast for even 30 seconds, you’ll know exactly why that can’t happen…


It’s my birthday. I cried, and didn’t want too…

I decided 36 is the “new” 36! It’s so ultra hip, it’ll catch on with all the 29 year-olds…when they finally reach 36…


How do you know you’re gay without saying a word? You bought tickets to Jersey Boys!

(McCain shows Huckabee how to hold a baby before eating it)

That and you’re in a Republican debate. I can’t stand watching two grown men, pretend to act remotely like know what the fuck their doing. Democrats are no better, but at least you know they’re not gay. If they were they’d tell you because they need the gay vote. They’d even consider going “temporarily gay” for a vote.

Debates are like watching two drunks argue. If one of them gets remotely near making actual sense, they’ll stop, stare straight ahead blank-eyed, say, “Whoa!”, take another drink, and go right back to arguing.


This New Years Eve, so I decided to make a Dick Clarke piñata…


Take one helium balloon, three squirrel-like rodents, $10.50, and what do you get?

(Theodore’s packing a glock)

Alvin and the Chipmunks. With that in mind, here’s a detailed “list of things I’d rather do than watch another minute of this film”:

1) Shave the back hair of elderly folk
2) Staple my face
3) Listen to Lindsay Lohan talk
4) Dip my scrotum in lava
5) Eat a years supply of my own feces


I finally found the “x-mas spirit” the other day…it was lying beaten to death with a Whisky bottle under my bed and starting to stink. Formal murder charges against me are pending.


Our winters are like social Darwinism, trying to kill off 11% of the population…if that doesn’t get us, a steady overdoes of crappy movie re-makes, taxes, and schlock political ads where one candidate accuses another of snorting the ashes of his late mother might…


It’s thanksgiving…& my “hand traced turkey” sucks!

(Apparently, Imperial forces crushed my middle & index finger, while my ring and pinky are enormously swollen from the trauma)

Two quick things, one, give in right away & wear sweat pants too the table. We over eat; if we can’t accept it, our stretched-out jeans waistline is the only one who gets hurt. Two, if you have to talk about religion & politics at the table, make sure to have a ref, or a gun… or a ref with a gun…


**Insert funny thing here**


The older I get, the more I smell like an odd mixture of cheese & pain…

(Ugh, I smell like provolone)


Shows at Zanies downtown Chicago, get there!


Ahhhhh, a November skyline in Chicago…

(Try to spot the mugging in this photo)

Reminds me of the time I saw a pimp get stabbed in the face by a hooker…good times…


Top five worst Halloween costumes…

5) Razor blade covered hugger
4) The Shit Monster from Dogma
3) Blackface anything
2) Donny Walberg
1) Barry Bonds testicles


When trying to sell something on E-Bay…

(The sickbay for eye exams on the Enterprise)

Always add “blowjob” somewhere in the description…whatever it is, it’ll go quickly…


When I passed by my local mailbox the other day…I thought it said, “Feed me”…

(My local mailbox gives me the cold shoulder)

Then I realized I was just really really high…


Have you ever noticed people act offended at the littlest things? Next time, puke on their shoes…that way you can say, “There! NOW your reaction makes sense”


If someone says the word Rocktober one more time, I’m going to fucking loose it…


In honor of Senator Larry Craig possibly resigning today after being arrested in a Minneapolis bathroom sex sting, I give you this! It’s based on Laura Branigan’s 80’s hit Gloria, sung by her brother Peter Branigan, called Gloryhole


How do you know when you’re in the 7th circle of hell? Two words, Chris Crocker!

No, I’m not talking about the Atlanta Falcons safety; I’m talking about the YouTube babble ass, whose clip of he/she is bawling for people to “Leave Brittney Spears alone”. It’s the latest installment in our 15 minutes of shame pop culture.

(It’s Poison without three others & the singing. Trust me, the Album “Gender Bender” or some other dumbass title is sure to follow)

Babbles just inked a deal with 44 Blue Productions according to Variety. Great, now the asshat producers of the Geico Cavemen show lost their coveted “Shittiest Show Idea Ever” award. This award was previously held by The Magic Hour staring Magic Johnson, which in turn was previously co-held by Fish Police & Cop Rock.

It’s what we do best in America people. We pick a random turd out of the toilet, & then polish it till it's a shinny trophy...just look at the Grammy's...


A seamen stained truck stop toilet seat is suiting OJ Simpson for identity theft…

(A little out of it, OJ accidentally thought this jersey was his Hello Kitty diary & wrote down things he likes to order at Carl’s Jr.)


I can’t hold my liquor…my hands were cut off in a nasty table saw accident…


Baby Jesus in a toupee!

(Our lord & savior is shocked with the low low prices at Manny’s Wig & Baby Toupee Emporium)

Sorry, just trying out new reaction lines when someone says something shocking in the office. Here are a few you can try, let me know how they go over…

Hitler’s mustache!

Well bottle my water!


Disco pants!

Sally Struthers!

Zesty vagina!


Please don’t call to “just catch up”. Have the stones to ask for the money up front…so I can pretend to be the answering machine…


This is Mittens. She’s my cat.

(Mittens drops a tummy-to-ass treat on my pillow)

The reason I named her Mittens is because Fuck Train Facelift wouldn’t fit on the adoption form…


If you don’t have something nice to say about someone…write it in your blog so the entire world can see. Putdowns aren’t fun when only two people hear them.

(Maybe a friend. Then again, maybe your parents)


Welcome to Comeback Corner. If a guy says something stupid & foul to you, just reply, “Do you suck your boyfriends dick with that mouth?”…


Dollars are the new penny! They can buy anything from Fun Dip, to Duracell 9 Volt batteries, or even be rolled up to do some serious booger sugar.

(Coke party 1 & 2 were OK, but for some reason I’m so AMPED about this one!)

Welcome back 80’s!


Show TONIGHT at the Chicago Center For Performing Arts! Get there!!!

Showtime at 8pm & 10:30pm. For tickets please visit

The first five people get, to be the first five people! Hurry, it’ll sell out quickly!


I wrote this joke for Stan from Pepsi at the Taste of Chicago. He said he met a pilot, a doctor, & a priest who were all alcoholics…

The Mix 101.9 Jeff Corder’s & I commented “Wow, that sounds like the start to one of those terrible jokes”. Stan laughed. We said, “It’ll be hilarious, the thing practically writes itself”. Time passed, then Stan called Jeff and I out on it back at the Zanies stage tent. He asked, "What's the joke then!?". I fumbled, Jeff helped pick me up, but the joke I made up on the spot flat out stunk. I got on my bike & went home to sleep. The next morning, I sat down & wrote four versions of "Pepsi Stan's joke". Enjoy Stan from Pepsi!

(Look, it’s my brother!)

A Pilot, a Doctor, & a priest are all sitting together at an AA meeting, when the group leader stands up saying, "Please share your worst experience of being drunk on the job". The pilot says, "I was so bombed, I almost crashed the plane into a corn field over Iowa killing everyone". The Dr. says, "I was so loaded I blacked out during surgery & left my car keys in the guys chest almost killing him". The priest thinks long and hard about it, then in a thick Irish accent says, "I was so drunk I gave a toilet to the poor, & shit in the collection basket.”

Here are the three other out lines the priest had...

"I was so drunk I screwed our organist, & rehearsed with our alter boys.”

"I was so drunk I told people Jesus was nailed to a bitch & no son of a cross could ever tell you different"

"I don’t know what hell you guys are talking about, we’re ALLOWED to drink on the job".


Look, I’m a Proctologist!

That’s what the Budweiser Here’s To Beer campaign says…


Would you help me look for my lost puppy? He wandered over by that roadside motel room…


Nothing to see here…


Taste of Chicago, schmaste of Chicago! Damn, 10 days of shows! The stage was a blast, all the Zanies & Pepsi people rocked, & some of the comics in the competition were damn talented. Way too many to mention, but look for Hannible, Chon, & Mike Palasack. The one problem for me in doing four shows a day was it’s like I stumbled into a real freaking job. Weird!

(Last day, can U see the light?)

(Before the 1:30 show on day 3)

(Some stupid cigarette joke)

Now go get overpriced gas & blow off some fingers…it’s our god given right as an American!


Have you noticed I don’t call as often? It’s because you never gave me your number…






Doctors say if you drink one glass of red wine a day…

…your teeth will look like blackened crap…


Mad about the Soprano’s final show ending?!?!?! You’re not alone…here’s a short I did for FunnyOrDie of me watching the final episode.


Summers always remind me of that time when…

We were an oil painting of my sisters and I jumping into a pond topless near a Pepsi logo ball while cousin Steve, who couldn’t swim, never resurfaced from his inter-tube…


Hear John’s degrading phone message to his dog Snickers!!!


It’s his new Alec Baldwin parody on Funnyordie!

We also re-edited Distraction cutting 27 seconds. How you like us now sucka!?!?


After seeing Pirates of the Caribbean – At World’s End, I decided…

(OUR version of 4 dogs playing poker, without cards)

It’s basically a 2 hr 48 minute blueprint for a shitty new theme park ride…what’s the difference between an animatronic Keith Richards & the real thing?


If Cold Stone Creamery added medicinal marijuana to their ice cream…would they just add a “D” to their title?

Just sayin’…


Jury Duty!!! Yeah, I said “dooty”, settle down. Very wild! The case was a car accident that involved a 63 year-old African American male, a 13 year-old Asian boy, & 41 year-old mentally challenged man. COMEDY JACKPOT!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh sweet lady Justice…I’d totally hit that shit…I’m into blindfolds…


Bike accident!

Ugh. Biking at night, when two cars run a red light going 80mph, while talking on my cell phone…since I was talking on the phone, my left hand was on my front brake! I squeezed it hard, went flying over my handlebars, and landed on…my face! If I were any dumber, the stupidest man on the planet would need a new title.

(Night of: Wha happen?)

(Next day: Oh, THAT happen)

Reminds me of my friend Gillian who had someone open a car door on her while she was biking & BAM! Stitches bitches!


Has anyone noticed my posts are putting on a few extra pounds? Be honest…you can tell the truth. I can take it. Wait…no I can’t…shut up…


I read that birds know exactly who they’re shitting on…

I’d like to go on record as saying Birds Rock!!!


Knock knock

Who’s there?

Quit fucking around & open the damn door ya lock Nazi!


I just found out women are more likely to get pregnant in May than any other month…I’m staying inside…

(Say what?)


Nothing to see here…except this…

(Keanu Reeves puking)

Whoooa! Welcome to the real world…of carsickness…


What kind of half-ass weekend was that? Get back there and do it AGAIN!


What a sad, sad day. Kids, NEVER bring guns to school…

…or throw pizza at Fenway Park. Guns don’t ruin jackets…slices of Papa Gino’s pizza’s do! The best part; watch the video of this:

Turd-Slap in the Pats coat hits a FELLOW RED SOX’S fan, who stopped the ANGELS fielder from catching it. Rumor has it, the dude who got hit was mocking the guy with pizza saying, “What kind of dork orders a pizza at a Red Sox game?”. Answer: the guy who threw it at you.

This pizza on fan violence has got to stop…call your congressman today…


Premiere of Eden Court at the AMC River East in Chicago tonight!!!

(Pauly & I after the screening)

(Johnny Leuer, Joe Havel, & a dork in a shirt)

(Annie Leuer, Mary-Rose, Ric Arthur, & some loud chump)

(Sunny and me)

The film didn’t explode, people didn’t get out their seats to revolt, & no one threw things! Paul rocked it, rolled it, & with a wiener suit stole it!


Looks like I’ll be doing the Taste Of Chicago this year…and my 4th grade teacher Mrs. Richards said I’d never amount to anything…oh wait, my parents that said that…


I found this on the floor…does it belong to anyone?

…I found tomato soup in a thermos from 1987, a pack of Kools, & a used condom…tough grade school


You can’t tell here…

…but his pants are actually on fire…AND he’s playing the role of Pinocchio in the White House Summer Stock Series…without make-up…


I just realized…I DO look fat in these jeans…

(Me & Death Grip model my slacks)


Here’s a quick list of April Fool’s joke’s to play on someone:
-Sew the sleeves closed on your friend’s favorite jacket
-Tell any Cubs fan they just signed Roger “The Rocket” Clemens
-Say, “Hey, did you hear they’re bringing back Webster; with the ORIGNAL cast?”
-Start crying at work. When your boss comes up to ask you what’s wrong say, “Your wife just broke up with me”


I just shit a bus…for true…it was yellow & black & felt like twenty screaming kids drove out of my ass…


Show tonight! The Improv in Chicago!!

Actually it’s located in Schaumburg; so not really Chicago. More like SUV “mallburbia” with hot soccer moms!!! So buckle up my bitches & get there!!!!


Hello there. Be my friend. Join my MySpace page…

(There’s a taffy pull in my pants)

**Insert creepy music here** It’s like I’m some pedophile skulking around your neighborhood, wearing only a trench coat while driving an ice cream truck…in winter…


Bracket me BITCH!!! Did you get in your NCAA brackets on time? Here’s mine…


People say cats & dogs can bring you happiness…I say frustration; because they can lick places I only dream of…


Texas has everything. A Cheddars, an Outback Steakhouse, a Chili’s, a Bennigan’s, a Champs Sports Bar, & a strip club named Wankers. Oh, & get this, they have a chain of places to get your haircut called Knock Outs.

WTF kind of name is that? I just want a little off the sides; not a concussion & shattered eye socket. I supposed they also have a chain of laundry mats called Cock Punchers…

Texas is basically Chicago with cowboy hats and big ass belt buckles…oh yeah, & gun toting moonshine swilling dads fucking their daughters at every rest stop on the interstate. I kid, I joke…it was a Red Roof Inn, not a rest stop…

Thanks Texas! Mucho fun. I’ll be back soon!!!


A man tried to cash a check…from GOD! Yes, you read it right. A 21-year-old man was arrested Monday after he tried to cash a check for $50,000 at the Chase Bank in Hobart Indiana that was signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant".

The man, Kevin Russell, struggled with police as they tried to detain him, and then threatened police as they transported him to the Hobart Police Department. Some of the things rumored to have been said, according to me, were, “Jeeesh, I only going to buy pornography & guns”, “When god bails me out, BOY are you jerks going have egg on your faces”, & “I don’t even need the money; VISA DOES!”


Ted Haggard wants you to know…

He’s CURED of being gay!!! Yep, it’s just that easy. He went to a gay rehab clinic and they gave him a certificate that SAYS he’s not gay. So no matter how many twinks he blows, or how many all boy Army shower parties he has…he’s straight as an arrow. Why? Cause a piece of paper says so…damn, it smell like he’s cooking up some good old fashioned hypocrisy…


Off to Texas!!!

You know the old saying about Texas…only TWO things come from Texas, Steers & shitty presidents…I’ll stay away from that joke when I’m there. Call it a hunch. People there are great, and this will be a BLAST!!! Yeeee Hawwwww!


I find it easier to forget about stuff when you pull the blanket up over your face and don’t answer the phone.


It’s SUNDAY…what the hell could be THAT important or FUNNY that’d you would need to look here?


Baby, I got you a Valentine…

…a country western guitar playing pig singing “Playing With The Queen Of Hearts” while cranked up on speedballs and Vodka…

What? You don’t LIKE country western guitar playing pigs? Are you sure? I thought I distinctly remember you saying something about…where are you going?


Thanks 2 EVERYONE for coming out last night!!! Sold out!!! BEST Sunday night show I’ve ever been a part of. EVER. Thanks to all of you. Everyone brought the heat and rocked that place to the ground. Are those old Def Lepoard lyrics?

If you didn’t make it, no worries at all…there’ll be others…

**John licks the tip of his pen, then strikes your name off his Will**

Here’s some pics Eric took from the show. Thanks Stuiber!!!

Big thanks out to Patti Vazquez!!! She’s one of kind, loves the elderly, and is currently undefeated in Connect Four. She brought the funk, laid it down, then spun it!


Today I just read in the paper, that “Loneliness is linked to Alzheimer’s”…well no SHIT…you can’t even remember the friends you DO have…

(Where did I park my car? Do I even have ONE?)


Get this…a good friend, who I play softball with, called me up because he needed someone to play a doctor for an Anheuser Bush Bud Light spot. Naturally I told him to go fuck off, because I’m no sell out punk ass bitch. He said, “You’d make around $3,000 for a couple hours of work. I quickly asked how many times he’d like his dick sucked, even offering to work his nudicals at no charge.

Suddenly, I LOVE Bud Light!!!

(It’s mine NOW)


Our Bears lost in the Super Bowl, but what a ride! Way to go boys, Chicago is VERY proud of you.

Now as for Ron Turner and Hex Grossman…that’s another story. BUT, in usual Chicago fashion, when dealing with pain…we laugh. The Grossman jokes are already starting:

What’s the difference between Rex Grossman and a Tiwansee hooker?

NOTHING, they both suck for a lot of money!


The other day I listened to Nirvana’s Smell’s Like Teen Spirit backwards… suddenly I got three years of college back along with 5lbs of weed...


Go get tickets for the February 11th show at Joe’s on Weed Street! You can go here to get them…hurry because the show WILL sell out, and I no can help jew get them wheeen it does…

Get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets. Did it work yet? No? OKKKKKKK… get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets


Hey, look what I got for my birthday…

fucking older…should I put my name on the liver donor list now?


Today’s breaking news is in honor of Gwyn from the IRC! She came up with such a great thread called You know you’re wearing too much perfume when…

...people sniff the air & say, "Uh, Bob Guccione must be in town"...

…people begin clawing their nose screaming while Clint Howard runs up and yells "I'm INFESTED!" in your face...

...someone lifts up the back of your shirt to see if you were accidentally set to whore… pass an area and time itself ceases to exist...

Oh, I almost forgot…GO BEARS!!!!


The President wants to send more troops into Iraq, try 21,500 to be exact. It isn’t called an escalation, it’s an “augmentation” or “surge”. Sounds more like an odd mix between fake tits and a sugary energy drink from Coca Cola.

Two out of every three Americans oppose this idea. Not Surge energy drink which is quiet refreshing and cool, but the plan. For the 33% and shrinking, here’s an overly simplified position summed up by Michael O'Hanlon of the Washington Post “However mediocre its prospects, each main element of the president's plan has some logic behind it. On the military surge itself, critics of the administration's Iraq policy have consistently argued that the United States never deployed enough soldiers and Marines to Iraq. Now Bush has essentially conceded his critics' points. To be sure, adding 21,500 American troops (and having them conduct classic counterinsurgency operations) is not a huge change and may be too late.

But it would still be counterintuitive for the president's critics to prevent him from carrying out the very policy they have collectively recommended.”

His theory is like dumping two tea spoons of sugar on top of a cake when we were supposed to mix FIVE CUPS with the batter in the beginning but told the head chef "You're a fucking idiot, you don't know the first thing about cakes" and fired him. We also forgot to put in eggs, didn't mix it, & replaced the baking powder with vinegar. Now we pull it out of the oven, it tastes horrible, and we say, "Right, you idiot chefs wanted sugar with it, didn't you?". Then we sprinkle six more tea spoons on top, say "There, you got exactly what you wanted, so everyone who asked for sugar, stop your bitching & eat the cake", and all the while it still tastes like crap. We've now made a shit cake...all be it a slightly sugary topped shit cake…and probably not for diabetics…but a shit cake


If you go hunting with Dick Cheney, make sure to wear a bulletproof face…

Hey, you're's not as funny the second time your hear it...


I found a new cereal bowl that drains the milk for you…

How cool is that? No more soggy Fruity Pebble milk for this jerk…


All hurricanes have officially changed their names to Ohio State…because nothing in the history of man has ever blown this hard…that includes Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, & the film Corky Romano


The Poinsettia Bowl? Why not San Diego County Credit Union presents the Crysanthimum Bowl? How about the Dodge Dracocephalum Bowl, or the Othero Rag Weed Bowl?

Let’s just call this what it is. It’s the “I’m going to avoid my wife at all costs by sitting my fat ass on the couch for three weeks watching Shitty State take on Whateverthefuck University” Bowl!


Nappy Hew Year everybody!!!!! Remember, pants work better around your waist, when there at your ankles, you’re most likely shit faced…


Bam! I gots the hottest gaming system in town from Santamaclause bitches…no, it’s ain’t a PS3…we’re talking…ATARI!

(This could also make long distance phone calls, start a nuclear war, and make delicious waffles)

You can have your “awesome” graphics and cool first person shooters. I want my game where a square can be a person, tanks can look like a blob of grape jelly on the screen, Pac-Man like he has Down syndrome, and basketball where white people can play yellow people without fear of racial comments. Magical times people…now if you’ll excuse me, I have to protect my “space station” from “Invaders”.


My Christmas tree looks drunk…

(I don’t know whether to hug it or shoot it)


Hey, it’s almost X-mas time so be nice already…you fucking jerk…


Charity show! Check “shows’ if you’re in towny town. It’s for a good a cause, so don’t be a jerkbag and give till your liver hurts…


Show in AURORA on December 21st, 22nd, and 23rd!!! That’s right, a hometown show for all my sweet ass people from Aurora…all three of you!

Bring cops! Only Aurora cops! Nothing better than having fun police around when you’re drinking. They’ll do crazy gun tricks and show you cool submission holds…


Rex Grossman should start charging $100 per game if he's gonna suck that least Rex gives retarded children someone to make fun of...

If he keeps playing this badly, his fan mail’s gonna be sent with the ol’ “One Cent Stamp”…


It’s so cold, my nuts just shot out my pant leg!


A telemarketer calls me the other day. They said, “Hello may I please speak to Mr. Bowlger?”. Pretty obvious when they butcher you name like that, so I said, “No, he was in a very serious car accident and is in the ICU at Northwestern Hospital but asked I take down any important messages. Can I take a message?” They pause letting this new information effect them , then they say, “Um no thanks, just tell him this a courtesy call from Citibank”.


Turkey day is right around the corner! So never go hunting with Dick Cheney...unless you have a bulletproof face...


What are you looking at? Get you ass back to work!


Checked the November 7th ballets. This is bullshit! I don’t have enough room for my “write-in” candidate of Misappropriated Funds, Doug Grossvongrosserthangrosserson…

(Doug accidentally decorates Tony Stepincowshitski’s shirt at “Kegger in the Quad”)


Wanta see where all the magic happens? I give you, my workspace…

(Notice the edge of an empty bottle of Gordon’s Gin. What can I say, I’m extremely health conscious.)


All souls day? Sounds like a shitty shoe salesman’s joke.

(Poor Al. He just wanted cash and his couch and all he got were corns and crappy comments)

CUSTOMER: “Excuse me, do you have these in a 7 wide?”

SHOE GUY: “We only sell the bottom part. The rest of the shoe is sold separately today.”


SHOE GUY: “It’s all SOLES day”

CUSTOMER: “Ahhh, then perhaps I’ll just wrap your anus around the uncovered part?”

SHOE GUY: “…so it was a size 7 wide you were looking for?”

CUSTOMER: “That’s correct”


Happy Hallow weenus!

This is where the name “Flying Elvis’s came from)


Showy show showerson!!! Get out and see Mamacita with Patti Vasquez before I paste you one good see!


Spring ahead and fall behind. I feel behind…into 7 captain & cokes! My good friend David had his bachelor party in Edison Park. Great seeing so many old friends like Mark B, Steve M, and that one guy with the raging heroin problem.

That town had a really nice feel…of meeting every citizen after only three hours. I’m not saying it’s small-town suburbia, but you could carry shotguns into any bar, there were more clicks than someone operating a remote control with Parkinson’s, and apparently teeth were an option. Sweet place, I’d love to raise a nice, straight from the Jack Daniels bottle swilling, racist family there sometime. I kid, I joke, I love.

Dave, best of luck!


I’d like to do an impression of Rush Limbaugh…with Michael J. Fox’s foot up his ass…

**John bends over, pushes out his gut, then starts shaking uncontrollably back & forth**


November 7th elections are right around the corner. You can smell the desperation mixed with bullshit. When I typed “November elections” into Yahoo, here’s what came up. First, we have…

(Awwww…wook, she’s wearning about Democwacy)

Then this…

(Don’t shoot! I just want to VOTE)

Then, I shit you not, THIS…

(With his strict “wheel laws”, “clean cages act”, and “fresh water for every hangy bottle bill”…snowflake has become the perfect “anti-eating your young” candidate for all hamsters to rally around)


I’ve noticed that Sunday’s in Chicago are like Tuesday’s everywhere else…


Teaching a workshop at U of Chicago!

(If you look very closely, you can see the eagle has Glenfiddich Scotch in his talon)

It’s the Improv comedy Mecca of the universe. It’s where everything started for Improv and where Second City was born. There was the Compass Players, May and Nichols, and the kids who wrote that 80’s cartoon The Snorks™.

It’s for Off Off, their university theater group, and happens on November 3rd. I’ll let you know how it goes. If I come back missing a hand, this’ll just take longer to type…


Wow! The whole water to wine thing Jesus did was cool and all, but coming back after being down by 20 points late in the 3rd quarter is…better than sex!!!

(Rex Grossman shows his fantastic “ball handling” abilities. Put it this way, he’d be fired if he were a testicle Dr.)

Wait. Not sex. NEVER sex. How about we call that comeback one of the best MNF games in history…considering their offense didn’t score a single point?


BEARS!!! Run!

Wait a second, you can’t. Their D is #1 in the league against the run, so maybe you could just take a knee every down. Does that work for you Arizona? I was able to find the first complete photo of everyone on the Bears D…

(This could also be a photo of City Hall)



Here’s what I’ll be dressing as this Halloween…

(Dash Lambert, Sofa Salesman)

Then I’ll fuck my way to guest appearances on The Fall Guy, Silver Spoons, and Miami Vice II-Electric Boogalo…finally landing the role of Joey’s “alcoholic military father” on Gimme A Break.

10/12/06 Snow? SNOW this morning? Are you shitting me? Guess it’s time to crack out the hunters orange snowsuits…and make snow angels on the Kennedy…during rush hour!


Corey Lidle. Plane. Crash. Died. Sad. The world will greatly miss you buddy.

Why do asswipes have to build 50 floor condos? “Oh look at me, I’m a fancy pants high falutten 50th floor condo jerk who’s sooooooooooo high in the sky…there’s a PLANE in my living room!

Thanks for helping my fantasy baseball team in 04…like you had a choice or something.


Sundays remind me of that kicked in the groin stinging sensation …


Hey Susan, remember that Dinosaur Insurance I tried to sell you?

Who’s the retard now? Oh yeah, terribly sorry about Peter being crushed, then eaten…


What’s that? Not enough Mark Foley jokes™out there yet? Enjoy these! They’ll have a shelf life of the next five seconds…
-In interviews, Dennis Hassart acts like the kid who didn't do his homework by using the old "My pedophile homo senator ate it" excuse...
-I heard he's running the new ride at Neverland Ranch...the Un-Zipper,
-In all fairness, Foley's only going to receive a slap on the wrist...then the ass...then the wenis
-Foley recently called Dennis Hastert to apologize by saying, "I specifically told pages never to talk to the media with their mouths full"
-Foley denies rumors he engaged in sexually explicit text messages with under aged teen boys by saying, "That could have been ANYONE using my IM account…besides, on the days in question, I was attending the Cub Scouts Swimsuit Competition…

This shit writes itself people…


I found this new tape in your Walkman…


I found this old tape in your closet…


Mamacita tonight! Get there! It’s the show with Patti V. Very funny. You love me for it. Here’s the poop:


Still in the running for writing joby job at Q101! Whew, maybe my quest for full health care coverage isn’t over!


I found this on the floor. Does it belong to anyone here?

Anyone? No? All right then, we’ll start the biding at twenty. Can I get $20, $20, $20, who’s got $20, do I hear $20…how about $10, $10, $10, who’ll give me $10…$5, $5, $5, people, come on! It’s a steal at $5. Just $5 for this nice, cute, little white kid. Who’ll give me $5 $5, $5, $5

(Dog barks)

I got $5! $5 is my high bid. We got $5, $5, $5, anyone want go higher than $5? Any others? $5 going once, $5 going twice, sold to that golden lab right over there!

**Dog trots over, drops $5 on floor, picks up the basket with the child in his mouth and trots away**

Moving on to lot #69…a used condom from Geraldo

We’ll start the biding at a rusty nickel…


Sunday night, only one show, great crowd, and the Bears beat the snot out of the Fudge Packers. Kick ass!!!

Heading home tomorrow morning and going to unplug, recharge, and relax after four days of shows. Big thanks out to all the splenderffical people at the Miami Improv from Tony, to Mirium, to Marty, to Gideon, to Rene! The reason we have cracks in our buts is because all you guys kick so much ass!!!


Best part of the night was doing a bit about mocking drunk people from out of town I say, “Boy, I really love these here Mojayto’s” while stumbling and making the drinky motion. This girl shouts out, “It’s pronounced Mo-He-Toe!”. The entire crowd erupts in laughter knowing I mispronounced it on purpose. All I could do was laugh and say, “Thanks sweetie, if you like I’ll give you the “home version” of my act to play at your own pace”.

I worked with two other very cool comics, Rodie Castro from San Fran, and Robert Hawkins from Miami/Coconut Grove. This was the “three show” night. That’s when you find you stumbled into a real job. You get there at 7:30 and don’t leave till 2:30…or 4:30 if you head out to Oxygen Bar dancing with Malika and Melissa. Say hi girls!

My liver is broken.


Showy show showerson! The highlight was Sunny filmed both sets so I’ll make sure to post it on YouTube under Bolgernow soon.

(That’s me, J. Mandyam. I do this killer bit about ABC’s new Middle-Eastern show called Shawarma & Greg. It’s hilarical!)

Married couples don’t need to get a divorce. Just go to Miami and it will all take care of itself. Shheeeeessssshhh, I’d take the rejects from this city and walk away happy.


Miami crowds kick so much ass it should be illegal. They were racially mixed, fun, and mostly drunk! My kind of people.

The Improv is wild. The green room is right behind the stage, so you actually walk out into the stage though a smoked glass-like screen porch door. Exactly like this one:

It was odd. I’m used to walking through crowds to they get a nice looooong look at my goofy assed mug. Every time I’d walk through that door on stage I felt like some 73 year-old neighbor who accidentally stumbled onto a comedy show. “Oh sorry, I didn’t see all you there drinking your colored drinks. Is this some sort of indoor BBQ?”


Two words, Cat Man!

No, it’s not a typo of Batman like I or my assistant Stephan are prone to do. It’s Dominique Le Fort, one of the most famous street performers at Key West during the sunset. I shit you not(haven’t dusted that old chest nut off in while), at least 200+ people crowed around to catch a glimpse of him putting on a Siegfried & Roy type tiger show with house cats. FUCKING HOUSE CATS! It’s funny, cool, odd, wild, silly, and amazing. The little bastards even jump though FIRE.

I couldn’t get my cat Stanley to stop cleaning his balls we cut off or shitting in my shoes. It’s like some bizarre miniature tiger show for couple of bucks. You’ll never look at your cat the same way again. Then again, I ended up taking mine down to the local Chinese restaurant where they pay $30 a piece for em so what do I know.


Key West rocks! It’s like shoving every amount of drinking, ocean adventure, partying thing you can do all on one 4 X 2 mile island. Oh yeah, and it’s 90 miles from Cuba with more queers then an International Male Leather Cock Sucking Competition.


Down to FLA for a little party time in Key West, then back up to Miami for shows. Spread the word like it’s an STD bitches!!!


Patti V and I met today to talking about punching up her show starting September 10th. We wrote a couple new bits, added some audience stuff, and new game show like thing called “Jackpot OR Crackpot” talking about her days of dating guys going thought them ala The Jokers Wild.

This will be a lot of fun. Patti is great people. She’s very funny, and one my good friends in comedy. One of my first shows was with her. Oh yeah, and she’s got big sweater hams too!


Tried to join Steely Dan’s fan club...but all it did was link me to Joker Rolling Papers™, a version of Hey Nineteen done by the Barking Dogs™ for $4.99, and Gallagher’s tour dates…oh yeah, and they were looking for Owen Wilson’s phone number.


Submitted to Q101 for a writing job on the new morning show and will find out within the next couple weeks. Please keep your testicles crossed…or ovaries, can’t forget the ladies.


Show rocked. People were great! Chicago is ALWAYS the best place to do comedy. Unless you’re in New York…then NYC is ALWAYS the best place to do comedy.


Found this old photo of Bon Jovi!!!

Yeah we were pretty close those days. I remember singing, “We've got to hold on ready or not, You live for the fight when it's all that you've got! Ohhhhhh mumble mumble mumble mumble, Ohhhhh LIVING ON A PRAYER!”


Hey, I just found out, our president sucks. Sorry, I’ve had my head up George “macaca” Allen’s ass for last six years. It’s refreshingly fruity…


Sweet, my senior year pictures from 1989 finally came in!!!

Awesome Hog Head McDunna’s show suckas! It was a slice of good times on a bun!!! The crowd was great, booze was flowing like waterfalls, and the HA HA was officially brought. Pete and I met some good people Ruthie and Chance. Talked with Martin G, the main Scottish man, and saw some other funny people. Good times…good times…


Show tonight!!! Pull your thumb out your ass and get there…or don’t if it feels really good,


Sorry lambs! Last minute tweeking on episode #3. Want it done right so I’ll release it NEXT Monday the 7th. To wet your saucy ear huts, this next show will contain a spot for the brand new KISS Coffee House, canine Illinois Senator Mr. Snickers, and a book-on-tape of Amish Pick Up Lines!

Have yourself a kick ass Monday and please feel free to spit in someone’s coffee you strongly dislike…


Awww Hezbollah no he didn’t!!!


Guess what?

Fuck you. You didn’t guess anything. You just moved your eyes down and read this. You’re a jerk ass. Here I trust you to do something, but can you? OOOOOOhhhhhhhhh NNNNNNNNNNNNooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

**Head down, depressed, and hurt**

Well here it is anyhow….it’s not nearly as cool as if you would have ACTUALLY guess it. But here; it’s my new channel on YouTube with new never seen before shorts…


Look what I can do…

Some people split atoms; others cure disease…Sara Jenkins drinks with her tits!


Whoops. Mancow, or Matt, or Eric if you like is no longer on Chicago radio. Wow, I guess things are finally looking up for Chicago radio.

He seems like a nice enough guy. I met him at Zanies in Vernon Hills after a show I did with Emo. He came up to me and said, “Hey, great stuff, very funny”.

All I could think was, ”what a fucking chatter box”, and, ”jeeeesh, shut up already, you said 5 words so enough with the yapping”. Meh, out with the old…hell, it gives the rest of us comic starving for money a jobby job.


Tune into America’s Got Talent on NBC tonight where Chicago’s own Mark “The knife” Faje will tear Hasselhoff a new one! No, for serious, that’s his big trick…to shive David Hasselhoff in the neck…so finish up diner before you watch.

Check out the stunt he did to be there:


Looks like I might help my friend Patti out with her new show called Tequila and Shamrocks. She wants it be like a Graham Norton type live show. Sounds splenderiffically succulent…now where did I leave that dead body?

**Finger tapping chin**


Spoke with Bob today about the Disco Demolition film and he’s pretty sure it’s going to happen! This film will be one fun ride through baseball, Chicago, and pop cultures time machine. In fact, it’ll be so good that the film will collect names BEFORE any ass’s are kicked. Can you even do that?

Looks like filming will start here next summer. He did mention period pieces are a hard sell, but that Lion’s Gate was very interested. Hell, they should be, b/c it’d kick the ass off a donkey. Was honored Bob asked me to help with the script by adding some local Sox lore comedy and south side characters. There might be a part for Ray the old brother “stoner” with his cheesy mustache who looks like he walked off the pages of Doonesbury. This’ll be amazing, fun, and help honor a fallen comedy friend.


Show me your fingers! Somebody didn’t have to light any short wicks…


I really want to see Pirates of the Caribbean “Dead Man Chest”…or Garfield Tale of Two Kitties.


You know what France?

Freddy “Rerun” Stubbs called…he wants his hat back. BE-HOTCH!


Working on doing a show out at Payton’s Round House in Aurora soon. You know, so people who always ask me, “So what you doing?”. I can just say, “remember that night you saw me at Payton’s? Well, THAT”.


Hey, I saw your sister the other day. She looked good. The crack pipe in mouth was a little outta place, but who am I to judge?


Podcast will be coming out by end of July. Sorry so long, just a lot of other shit has come up. It’s all good stuff, just doesn’t give me a lot of time to get you stuff quickly. That’s why I got this for you…

I didn’t know your size and didn’t want that awkward moment when it’s wrong, so I returned it and got you this…

This’ll shock you. It was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cheaper. In fact, the guy gave me $3 to take it. So here you go, your Friday night entertainment is on ME!


Sorry, been busy. It’s not my fault. But you know I love you baby. I’d never hurt you. Here, wipe those tears away with some other girl’s panties.


Man-o-man, I found a penny…then got hit by a car. Lucky my broken ass!


Have a lot of summer shows in Chicago! Check the Shows thingy, or don’t, see if I care.

**Huddles in a corner with his back to you waving away**

Go on, it’s not important now. You don’t have to look. You made your choice. I’ll be fine…alone…forever…in a CORNER!


June! When people automatically start having impromptu BBQ’s for no fucking reason.


Ever notice sometimes we smell bad? I’ve heard it helps when you take a shower. I know it sounds weird, but for real, it does. That and something called D-E-O-D-E-R-A-N-T…what ever that magical thing is.


Benefit show in Wisconsin! It benefits breast cancer so that’s gotta be a good thing. I have man boobs and hate cancer. Fuck you cancer!


Writing sketches for episode #3! Taking with local radio about a show. Talking to the cops about my MySpace page. Since when is having photo’s of kids in their underwear chained to a dungeon wall being sodomized a crime? It’s art…or possibly a felony…


Just got back from FLA and it was rocking fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. Did just about every touristy thing in the book from seeing Lolita the Killer Whale at Miami Seaquarium, to an airboat ride in the glades, to working in Dale Earnhardt Jr’s pit crew. Boy was my neck was RED. I think they call them “red necks” because they work so hard every day that their neck becomes red from the sun…or their heads down while napping on the job.

We even saw this mutha alligator! It was this show where an trained alligator handler placed his hand on the top of the snout, then deep inside the gators mouth, only pulling his hand out before the massive jaws came crashing shut! It sounded like two crock pots slamming together. It looked like me trying to take my dad’s wallet as a kid before he woke up and swatted me.


Spoke with Comedy Central again today and they couldn’t have been cooler! It was with the assistant of one of the people I meet with and was told he had a motorcycle accident; which would account for the small delay in getting back to me.

Shit balls! That sucks wind. Guess he was turning a corner and the bike jutted out from under him and landed on his leg, kind of like trying to drive a Pontiac Fiero in the snow. Nothing broken, but plenty of leg damage. Enough where he needs therapy…

This puts a tiny hold on the pitch until he comes back to work in a couple weeks, but I’m really more concerned with him and just glad nothing was broken. In fact, I’m going to send him an Evel Knievel doll jumping Snake River Canyon. My note’ll read “Glad nothings broken and you’re OK. Now you can keep training to jump Snake River Canyon”.


5:39pm. Teaching. Fun. Kids. Ohio, Great. Tired. Shutting down. Unplugging for one week.


Got in at midnight. Midway looks so funny that late. I keep thinking the guy with the buffer was going to rape me. Have to get up in three hours to get in a car and drive to Ohio to teach improv. This is all you get, sorry, I’m falling asleep while I’m ty………..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Wow! Meeting went well. We met for like about 45 minutes again, but this time, but it was only for one pitch instead of two! It was high energy and was great seeing them again. If I ever do a sketch show, it’s going to be with them. We talked about Colbert at the press corp. diner and what that meant to social satire. They’re excellent people to talk comedy with and really understand how to develop a solid show. It felt great.

They said sketch was a hard sell around there, but we listened the first two sketches of Episode #2 from the podcast, asked if they could keep it, I said “sure”, and they said, “This helps A LOT!”. They’re going to go over the pitch in meetings with people on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday getting back to me by late next week. Last time, it was more of a “We’ll get back to you” without a specific time frame.

After the meeting, I was sky high and excited so I called my mom, brother, friends, and even an ex-girlfriend along the way just to rub it her face. Yeah, I’m weak and shallow, but at least I had that “Real Life Movie Moment” where bastard people get their comeuppance. Wanted to let them all know the meetings good vibe. It really doesn’t mean much until you are actually shooting the first episode, but this was another step closer to having your creative work come to life and it felt so wild like some shot of adrenaline. Keep you posted on what’s happening with this whole thing.


Last recording day! Have Jim, Patti V, Leuer and me doing last pass lines. This is such a blast creating something fun for you rapscallions to listen too. It’s an honor!

Also gearing up for the pitch with a last minute writing session to hammer out exactly what needs to said and accomplished. Flying out tomorrow morning early and haven’t slept in a while…what’s that? I should take a nap. Thanks talking dishwasher!


Final writing day for episode #2! Last minute tweaking, sound correction, all that jazz. Sorry, I know I promised the 5th, but it’ll actually be the 11th. I’ll have it out before I leave to LA. What can I say, I’m the kind of guy that could just go the extra two feet and put the clothes IN the laundry hamper, but instead place them ON TOP. I’m a…what do you call it…oh yeah…a lazy asswipe.

Michelle D came and recorded some lines for the podcast today! Big thanks to her. We had sooooo much fun it came out our collective asses.


Balls! I’m collecting all the White Sox players’ mini-balls. Sound odd? Like I’m some high-fluten testicle doctor. I’m officially “nerding out” and buying those “mini balls” with the player’s photos on them. Why, you ask?

I don’t know…it feels good, & the newspaper told me to. You know, when the newspaper tells you ANYTHING, you better do it!


Podcast schmodcast. Episode #2 is coming next week! Or, I’m like congress and lying…


Pitch meeting with Comedy Central on May 11th to talk about a possible sketch comedy show! One step closer to Bolger on TV regularly. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, creepy.


CIF is in town! Heading to see Ike, maybe do some improv, and see some other friends. If you never heard of the Chicago Improv Festival, just GO. If you have, just GO. If you have but were in a serious car wreck, speedy recovery. It’s funny, saucy, electric.


Meeting on my screenplay. The guy was really wealthy, but also a big time jerk. My back hurt from all the names I had to pick up after he dropped them. Meh, until we find the right home for the movie. On the shelf it’ll sit.


Funeral! My aunt Marylyn passed away on early Friday morning so we spent all Saturday morning attending the wake, the mass, then gravesite. It was a three for one kinda day. At the wake, I was thirsty and wanted water. They had a vending machine, so I put in a dollar. I hit the button on the bottom and nothing. Again, and nothing. I bent all the way down and saw that little fucking light telling me it was out. Crap! Welp, I’ll just get my money back. No dice. It wouldn’t give it back. I looked the selection up and down and didn’t want any of it, but figured since I already paid for it, I’d get something popular to pawn off on someone. I did the Dew, Mountain Dew, then went around to everyone during the wake asking if they wanted it. No takers till the end from my cousin.

Was a paul bearer along with my cousin Greg, so we had to wear these white gloves. My aunt didn’t weigh that much, but with the gloves the casket kept slipping out of my hand. I was shitting a brick. What happens if I drop my side and it nails the ground? Now I’m the big asshole that dropped my dead aunt. Luckily I took the glove off my holding hand without anyone noticing, but with shit like that your mind plays tricks on you by thinking people are watching SO closely someone will stand up and yell, ‘Hey, that man isn’t wearing a glove on his carrying hand. He’s tainted this entire funeral!”

The mass was longer than a CNN expose on Immigration law. For those who don’t know, that’s freaking loooooong. The priest was so old; I was half expecting us to maybe do a two for one funeral if he didn’t make it though the mass. We laid her to rest and placed flowers on the casket. It felt like a movie, except no one yelled cut and Kraft Services was nowhere to be found. I did have a Kraft cheese and crackers in my pocket that kept making noise, but not the same. She lived to the old age of 87 so she had a great run. Marylyn was very religious, but also a couple clown short of a full circus. It was a just somber day.


Like the Star Light Express Band, it was time for a little afternoon delight…at the Sox vs. KC 1:05 pm game! Wow, weather was great, beer was being poured, the buying of peanuts and crackerjacks was happening. The only thing was, I DID care if we ever got back. I had to type this shitty drivel.


I guess Jesus came back from the dead. BULLSHIT! As far as I know he’s till working on cars down at Manny’s Auto Plaza on Fullerton and Western…

**Someone leans over and explains it’s Jesus Christ people are talking about and not the Mexican sir-name “Hey-zeus”

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh THAT Jesus…


Met with the head of the Theater Department at U of Chicago in Hyde Park about teaching comedy there this summer and next fall when I’m in town. She was very interested, which shocked me after I started off the conversation with “They let a WOMAN be director of the Theater Department…wow, what’s next women lawyers? That’s just crazy talk.”


Spoke with FOX today and they are interested in talking about working on a show together soon. Looks like it would be sketch comedy format, but things are in the early stages so like the pirate said with only one good eye, “we’ll see…or we won’t”


Sure, I see how it all works. When I go to the games, THEY LOOSE. Sox lost both games I saw, but the great news was we got replica world series rings and they are actually pretty cool!

Willie took me, and now I feel like we’re dating. He paid for everything…the least I could of done was open the car door for him. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I’m a shitty date.


White Sox opening day…I mean night…I mean RAIN! They won only after a three and a half hour rain delay. Going to game 2 of the season tomorrow, in a puffy snowsuit, with a bell. Sersiously, try to look for me…


Sorry, I slept with your sister last night, but I did leave her a really sweet note about how things “just happen” and what a “sexy, kind, wonderful person” she is…APRIL FOOLS! I don’t write notes, because I can’t. Never learned how. I’m not even typing this right now, it being done by very intelligent cat named Mr. Mittens. He’s a lawyer from Boston, but as you can image, not many clients will hire a cat because they bathe themselves with their tongue, they can’t speak, and they shit in a little box in front of everyone during court…APRIL FOOLS!!! Mr. Mittens is a wealthy plastic surgeon cat, not a lawyer at all! Man, you guys are sooooooooooooo damn gullible.

MC’d the Fantasy Baseball Draft from the Hidden Shamrock League all afternoon and it was awesome. Pants were optional, people were drafted, and booze was flowing like bullshit from politicians. Great drafts by Kevin F, El Scotcho, the Felchers, Greg F, Timmy boy, RAM, Shelly the Machine Levine, Joey’s LaSalle Street Parade, and Jimmy S. Nice work crew!


Putting together another podcast for you crazy kids! Looks like it’ll be out end of April, early May. Why? Because you wonderful bastards are worth it, and from the great numbers it’s putting up, I guess you guys actually like it.

Thanks out to all of you for downloading the cast, listening, and spreading the word! Now get back to work before your asswipe boss comes over for his afternoon “chit chat” about productivity in the work place while drinking out of his #1 Dad mug.


Whoa whoa whoa George’s crying! For those of you who don’t know, he’s the former Illinois governor who was responsible for an Illinois State driver’s license scandal that resulted in a family dying on the high way with a “fake” license. He’s in the deep stuff.

Looks like prison time is coming down the pike for Old Man Winter. Not the “daily beating” “join a gang” “get a tattoo” “learn a new type of card game” “ass rape party” kind, but more of the “let’s golf” kind. It’ll be white-collar prison which is a like the life we wish we had just behind a big wall, and with a lot more friends in uniforms.


You see that? It’s right around the corner…baseball season! This is where some women stop reading, basketball fans stop reading, and blind people stop reading. In all fairness the blind people never even had to start reading this ridiculous crap so good for them!

White Sox look like she-hit in Spring Training, but they’ll come alone. We’ll have a lot more power in the line-up this year and pitching is still just as good. Were actually going to be a different team, a better team, a team of Cyborg Robots hell bent on inter galactic domination…OR, just trying to win a really tough AL Central. I liked the first one.


Why does it taste like a kitten shit in my mouth and is everything loud? HANGOVER Yeah! Do you have horrible guilt, endless shame, wearing someone else’s panties? Hope your St Patty’s day was fun.

We went to see Mike “Tension” Nevitt fight again last night. It was great! He had his green trunks with yellow piping on the side and yellow shamrock. He fought this really tough kid out of Iowa who looked like a two-ton shit brick house. They listed him at 190. Yeah, maybe his left testicle. He was a bull-rusher type with a solid left. Mike was killing this kid with speed, picking off shots as he went along. He was winning on the cards by a mile when this kid caught Mike in the 4th and stunned him a little. But Mike’s a pro, he clinched to get out of the round, then went on to out box him by moving, landing kick ass combo’s, using his speed, and making the kids face look like a bloody balloon. Great fight. One coming up in May, but THIS time he gets to use lead gloves…


The Bolgernow podcast is finally HERE! After all this damn time, after ALL this damn talk. It BETTER be good!!! The best part, it’s FREE, so instead of having to see me in a club for $25 per ticket plus two over priced Sea Breezes, you can take me to worky work with you FOC (Free Of Charge)…unless you work at a sausage factory; then leave me at home.


Buckle up fuckers; it’s going to be a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun podcast ride! Also, big thanks out to Tim Madden for his excellent podcast logo!


Sheeesh! Stop looking already will ya? I’m working on the best podcast for all you glorious bastards…and things are looking good. Make sure you’re ready to rock at midnight on the 16th which should be when it’ll be available for download.


The podcast is coming together! Mixing down sound today. I will give you a teaser to wet your taste buds. One of the sketches is called The All New Hardy Boy Hip Hop Adventures…featuring Master P and the Thug Killaz. Yummy, huh?


Don’t look now, but it’s March…so it’s in like a lion, and you’re a Christian, RUN!


New podcast release date set! My promise isn’t worth shit (See 1/28/06). I could give you lame ass excuses about why “this” happened, or “that” ruined something, but it doesn’t change the fact there’s not a podcast for you to download. Besides, it’d just make me sound like the Bush Administration. Since this is all for you, its gotta to be the best and won’t be released until it is.

The good news is it will be here March 17th! That’s right, just in timey time for St. Patty’s, or as we Irish call it, national liquor day. Hope you like it, spread the word like a scorching case of Spring Break herpes, and don’t trust whitey!


England rocks! Nottingham is amazing. We moored our boat up right across from Jongleurs, the comedy club I’m going to be working. Since we’re in the land of Robin Hood, I half keep expecting us to see a statue of Kevin Costner with bird shit covering it and speakers playing Bryan Adams “Ya know it's true… Everything I do - I do it for you”.

Beer is cheap, but soda is expensive. The best thing is that the Spar Mart (little handy mart) sell porn. It’s like a dream come true. Every time I walk in I hear a choir of angels as the magazine rack lights up slowly pulling me toward it.

Looks like I’ll be coming back in June to do London, so I better pick up a map to look like an official idiot American tourist. Cheers mate!


The sweetest day in the entire world! That’s right, it’s national “go buy some flowers or chocolate for that slag you’re dating or get bounced out of her panties” day. I know, hard to fit it all on greeting card. England’s colorful language is getting to me.


Ah ha! You thought I was lying, and SO did I. But here it be, available for download in the A/V room. Enjoy, and when people tell you how great it is, don’t come crying to me.


P-to O-to the D-to the C-to the A-to the S-to the T. What’s that spell? LAZY LIER!


HELLO? Again, what don’t you understand here? PODCAST shit to do.*

*You guys so know I’m just fucking around in pajamas watching old SCTV shows, and wacking off. I can’t fool you, you wonderful people.


What? Podcast shit to do, why are you looking?


Remember that podcast I promised you? I lied. Nawwwwwww, actually it’s almost done. touches this week and you should have it before the 12th of Feb, just in time for Valentines Day. Then you give the shitty gift that shouldn’t be given to a loved one.


Been slacking, podcast all weekend! I’ll have this out to you people before I leave to London. I promise. Then again a promise from an Irishman, is like pennies made of gold, it’ll never freaking happen.


We took Skylar out to hang with my sister, her dogs, and her son Michael. It was fun, I didn’t step in dog shit, and didn’t eat yellow snow. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t close my eyes when eating it. Good times, goooooooooooooood times.


Little Skylar has never seen snow, so sunny went down to FLA to bring her up here it see it. Wow, she loved it. Then she realized, “It freaking cold”. No shit? We were up in the Dells and this huge water park called the Kalahari Resort. It rocked, indoor water park with no one there, cause it was a Tuesday. I couldn’t tell who was the kid, Skylar or me, then I looked at all the body hair, and my bad back and knew it was her.

She liked it, we had a blast, and my swim suit never came off. Damn, I wanted to freak out the 4 people that WERE there. Next time, next time.


Birthday’s after 30 are like your friend offering you tickets to a Demolition Derby. You didn’t ask to go, you might not even want to, but once you get there things are great.


Saw a rough cut of Eden Court today. Wow! Looks great. There is a fantastic film in there with great acting, lots of laughs, and heart. This could be something brilliant.


Happy B-day to my oldest brother on MLK day! Crunk it up bitches, it’s tyme to run this harpy birf day inta the grounds mutha fuckas!


Went to Zulevic’s funeral. Weird. Odd. Wrong. So many people were there with so much love this man gave to them that it almost made the room burst. At the mass there was this little old priest who was…well…creepy. Not “molestey guy” creepy, but more the “I think you are all comedian/actor heathens, which makes no sense at all to me, so I’ll talk down to you” sort of way. Hell, I’m Catholic and he was explaining everything I already knew, the ENTIRE mass. My friend Kate who I was sitting with leaned over and said, “Crap, for all the non-catholic people who never come here, THIS is what they see? This is putting our best foot forward to recruit people into our faith? No wonder we suck”

I went with two good friends I used to do sketch comedy with, Sandy, and Kate. Sandy is a man, so don’t think I was trying to get laid at a friends funeral. Not that’d I put it passed me, just not THIS time. Many people were there. Bob Odenkirk, Steve Dahl, Norm Holly, Tim Kazarinski, and my good friend Molly Cavanaugh(who you can see in short film Distraction over in the A/V room).

The best part was after the funeral it started snowing. I’m not one for superstition, but it felt pretty cool, knowing Jim was saying goodbye that way…or it was a cold front mixed with rain that made it snow, but I’m sticking with the 1st one. We all went down to Second City to share and talk about Jim.


Comedy friend, fellow Sox fan, and great Chicago guy Jim Zulevic passed away early this morning. What a shitty day, and fucked up feeling.


Bowl mania. Down in FLA with my family and they are a blast. Little Skylar is getting bigger and isn’t amused so easily. She’s making work for my laughs now, and it’s getting too me. Love Doris, Omi, and the who crew. Got to hang with extended family too. It’s like eating cheese you don’t like. It’s still cheese, but it tastes funny.


Wishing you good luck in 2006! Never say Happy New Year. It’s too much pressure on YOU to provide THEIR happiness.


Wishing you a Merry Christmas bitches! Unless you sent me a gay x-mas card with one of those “update” newsletters about how Jeffey is doing this, or Sally is doing that. If we’re not good enough friends throughout the whole year for me to already know, I probably don’t care.


Flying back to Chicago today and digging it with a shovel. Can’t wait to get back home, get working on the podcast, and getting ready for the holidays. I don’t celebrate X-mas, I celebrate “gifts for John day”. It just sounds better.


I was torn. Very excited to go do the show, but the Bears were winning at home against the Falcons and putting the hurt on Vic. Sunny and I went out and the place was great! It’s called the Ha Ha Café in West Hollywood right next to the Paramount lot. The guy who runs it is awesome. He’s class all the way thought the person who was MC’ing the show was cool.

Big crowd for a Sunday, but they were loud. It was this variety show format with singers, jugglers, magic, etc. I went up second. I’m fast, rough, and bold. That’s like screwing with out foreplay. It’s tough going. At one point in my set I had to go use a mic stand for a joke about skinny people in LA. I could tell some people didn’t like the fact I was hammering on LA. I also hammer on Chicago, but I guess they didn’t really care. This big fucker kept looking at me like he was going to rip my head off. I just figured I could out run him if I really had too. He looked like he was only good for about a 1/2 a block.

All and all the show went well, and people liked it a lot. We drove back and on the way took our lives in our own hands and stopped at Jack In The Box. Why? It was the ONLY place open. When it’s the ONLY place open, that’s not a good sign. LA rocked!


Saw King Kong with sunny and Tiffany. King Kong, king sucked. It’s like when you have something that’s simple so you throw more shit on top of it until it becomes something it’s not. Beds are good for that. It’s supposed to be a place to sleep, but if you keep piling shit on top, now it’s shit collector. Too much. Kong looked great, but at 3 hours plus, I got Kong ass from sitting. I laughed out loud at parts that were supposed to be serious. Oh well, Kong suck. That my review.


Off to LAX! Not the airport, but this hip and she-she trendy bar in Hollywood. The music was thumpin, my body was pumpin’, and fake jugs were jumpin’. Classic bullshity bar, but it was our friend Isaac’s B-day bash so he knows it was a bullshity place too. Lots of fun, and all I remember is doing shots of Patron Silver and spazing on the dance floor to The Human League’s “Fascination”. My favorite part of the night was this quirky little guy who looked Nathan Lane-ish had a shirt on that said “Fuck Hollywood”. I quickly put a sweater over my t-shirt that read “Huck Follywood”.


It’s the JcPenny audition thang today. It’s for some Valentine commercial where this jockish guy reads this poem; “My heart is like a football, and to you alone I hike it, my heart is yours forever…as long as you don’t SPIKE it.” I liked the writing, it sounds like it could be fun.

The highlight of the entire casting call was seeing actor Billy Jayne who I recognized from the film Just One Of The Guys. He played the undersexed little brother Buddy. Shit, my day was already made!


In LA for bullshit auditions, a couple shows, and to hang with friends. Maybe I’ll get a scrotum enlargement procedure, or pick up a cool eating disorder.


Richard Pryor died today. He was one of the greatest. We should feel honored he shared his work with us. What? He was black?…………Really?…Huh……

**John begins slowly moving his head in an up and down motion taking in this information**

…you learn something new every day...



What the hell are you looking at? Me? Why?……….Oh, I’m shitting on the hood of your brand new Audi A6………………sorry


Ding ding ding! Let’s get ready to stumble. It’s fight night in Chicago, so it was off to the fights at the Aragon to see my buddy Joe Havels next door neighbor Mike Nevitt go for the Illinois State Light-Heavy weight title belt.

He was on fire. He was a man who saw what he wanted and nothing was going to stop him from getting it…kind of like watching Michael Jackson at a boy’s swimsuit expo. He won and the crowd went nuts. After his fight two Mexicans started beating the shit out of each other for an almost an hour. I was going to break it up, when I realized they were on the card. Normally when my Mexican friends kick each others ass that bad it’s for boinking their wife, or cutting the a long beer line during Cinco De Mayo. My other friends Eric, Greg, and his lady Missy were all on hand too.

After the fight we headed out for a beer, then over to Mikes apartment for a celebration party. His big golden belt was out on display and I mentioned I have a belt too. It’s from Old Navy and one pretty sweet fucking number as well. Way to go Mike, what a great night!


Looks like I’ll be out in LA the week of the 12th for some commercial auditions, shows, and hanging out with old friends. The commercial is for a JcPenny’s Valentines Day spot. I hope I get to make out with some girl with facial hair, no neck, or perhaps an eye patch. Hot.


Today I discovered a new way to eat a turkey sandwich. Try eating it with one foot up on a bench “John Wayne style” and you’d be shocked at how many more people passing by respect you and your dining experience.


Happy Turkey Day fuckers! If you’re not getting fatter, you’re just not trying.


Sweet home Chicago! Back home, and I’m going to take the next couple days off to recharge. Then it’s off to playgrounds all over the city in my wood paneled station wagon to skulk around for Chicago’s sexiest lil’ kids.


Wanted to say goodbye to Brian, so it was back to Conan for a little bit before we wee catching this meeting with Bev. Good times, Jerry Lewis was on the show, and Brain did this character where everything is “tastic”. Crap-tastic, or Homo-tastic. You get the bit. He was great when Conan asked him “how’s the show going to be tonight?”. Cut to Brian playing Sudoku startled saying, “oh, I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention”. Silly fun stuff!

Since it’s my last night in town and pretty damn exhausted, Pete and I wanted to lay low. With six days straight of shows and meetings, it kind of drains your ass. That, and all those Roman style orgies we filmed with the Shriners. You’d be surprised how long those old fuckers can party. I thought their cars would run out of gas…oh no…they must a hybrid mini-car cause they’re like the damn energizer bunny. They keep going, and going, and going…


Acid rainy shit. It this NYC or Seattle? Tonight’s show was at Gotham’s. It’s this really nice looking fancy pants club. I’m used to shit holes where there’s blood on the ground from someone who was shived by a rusty knife, hookers hanging out in front, and someone’s teeth still on the table. This place was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too nice. The manager for the show was Lorie Summers and couldn’t have been nicer.

Best show of the trip. One of the other comic’s moms came up to me after the show and hugged me saying, “My god you’re funny. In fact, you’re way better than my son.” At this point, her son was standing right next to us. Awkward…

Loved working that club. They mentioned they were going to ask me back which is surprising since I stole all their silverware. It’s not what you think. I just needed to melt it down and make bullets to kill my roommate. I’m working on this theory she’s a Werewolf.


The show at Comic Strip went off without a hitch. Great crowd of rowdy fun people who were ready to laugh their ass’s off. I really dig the NYC crowds as opposed to LA, or FLA because they actually have a pulse and aren’t just happy to be out for a night.

After the show we went up the street to Iggy’s, this great run down bar where the booze was flowing and we kept things going. The bartender John made sure the Captain & Cokes were strong. Liver damage possible…can’t type…it’s shutting down…donors wanted.


He’s tall, a red head, and graces the late night airwaves. Nope, not Conan O’Brien. Nope, not Carrot Top. Nope not that murder from Phoenix who butchered that family of seven by wearing their entrails as fake dreadlocks dancing in the mirror singing “I Feel Pretty” in a Rasta voice…it’s my friend Brian who’s a writer and performer on the show. He asked Peter and I if we wanted to come up to the 6th floor, hang out, and watch the show.

It was cool. People running around in costumes, stage hands ushering people in and out of the studio for bits, and the sound of a show going on a room over. Brain waved to us from the other end of the hall as was getting into costume for a bit they might to do last minute. Nothing like getting waved to by the tall guy dressed as Alester Cook in NBA. I hadn’t seen him in over two years, since the CIF in 03 and he looked taller. It must have been the ascot. We hung with some writers for the show in the green room. There was Andy, Jose, and this girl who’s name I didn’t catch…mostly because she didn’t throw it. Maybe she has a bad back.

Best story of the night was hanging out in the hallway after Sarah Silverman went on, and Andy looked at me, then did one of those hand behind the ear snap throws with a penny. It nailed me in the leg and I said, “you son of a bitch, you’re going down”. Picked it up, and threw it right back at him. He moved and it went flying toward these people standing near the studio entrance. It hit the wall coming to rest at the feet of this gray haired guy. He must of felt it hit his shoe, because he checked around to see if anyone was looking, bent down and picked it up. The fucking guy stole a penny. He stole Andy’s penny. Insane. In a world where you could take a penny leave a penny, fucko stole one. Great time, thanks Brian!


NYC!!!! I just got picked up in a cush black Lincoln town car, and I’m not a drug dealer, oil barren, or (insert talent-less actor here). I felt a little out of place, but it was so cool. In fact, my driver could barely speak English and the Dial 7 car service said “look for the Asian guy, his name is Wang”. When he came I said, “Thanks for coming so quickly Wang”. To which he turned and shot back, “Mi naaan iz Paul”. I felt bad, said “sorry for the confusion”, and offered him a stick of warm gum from my pocket. He refused. I spent the next 15 minutes calling friends, leaving messages by telling them I was in a town car with my driver “Paul” to which I’d ask Paul to “hi”, and he did. He was a great guy for playing along.

Got into downtown Manhattan to hook with my booking manager Peter Lee. That’s a fancy term for friend. Pete works down in the garment/fashion district right across from Macy’s, or Ass-cy’s as we call it in Chicago. Aside from being my club booking manager Pete has a day job with a television station, because the money off my bookings wouldn’t even pay for the electricity to use his toaster. Met all of Pete’s co-workers and they were very nice in that New York “fuck off I’m busy” sort of way. We saddled up, grabbed a cab in rush hour and off to the club. It was a rainy night, but the city was alive.

I must have looked like a super mega flaming flight attendant with my wheelie luggage and wet hair walking in. The Comedy Cellar is small and tight. Solid club, one of NYC’s finest for stand-up and all the people were kick ass. The show went well. Wasn’t my best set, but tried getting into the groove with the city and still kind of lagging from the trip. We went out for a couple cocktails afterwards at this place right near Pete’s house called Ship Of Fools around 83rd and Lexington. I didn’t get raped, and still had my wallet so it was a great first day.


Gearing up for NYC trip. There’s nothing like a New York crowd. They’re sharp, smart, and love social satire type comedy. Loaded with an arsenal of new material™, my Ipod™, and Tron™ undies, I’m ready. It should be fun, going to a great town, with fun people, and bootlegged copies of Saw II from junkies on Canal Street.


Eye exam today! Wow, can things get any clearer? I bet you any amount of money, eye doctors have sex with their partners constantly asking, “Better one, or two…one, or two…one…or two”


Talked with Jim at Q101 and they want to play “Jennifer’s Song”. He’ll let me know when so I can let all you guys know. Had a conference call with Beverly Boner today and Pete about working together on some shows. Who’s Bev Bonner you ask? Well, she was a star of a cult classic flick many of you never saw called Basket Case in 1982. She was also in Basket Case II, Basket Case III, and my personal favorite, 1990’s Frankenhooker. That little gem is a MUST see, so curl up some night with friends, drink your face off, then enjoy the magic.

She was nice on the phone, knows the industry well, and sounded extremely professional, so we might work together on a few projects. When I’m in NYC doing shows, we’ll hook up and see if something clicks. Updates has they happen my little monkeys. Now get back to work before you boss belittles you…if you ARE the boss, get up and go belittle someone. It’s in your damn job description.


Out of town family Doris and Skylar, in town now! Sounds odd…check back next week.


Happy Halloween! Pants are optional.


Best parade EVER! Never have seen anything like that in all of Chicago sports. Nothing! Not for the 85 Bears, not any of the Bulls championships. I think I even had sex one or twice and didn’t notice…that how great it was.


Want to see a grown man cry? Come over to my house. The Chicago White Sox are the World Champions. Say what? Now say it WITH me. The Chicago White Sox are the 2005 World Champions! Beat them 1-0, which is the EXACT score from opening day that Joe Havel and I saw. Someone shoot me now, it’ll never get better than this.


14 innings, can’t speak. Sunny and I went out that day to get Sox World Series gear. Then on to Durkins to met our friends Joe & Eric. They had this special for the game that was $20 all you eat and drink from the first pitch to the last out. Durkin’s picked the wrong damn game to do that little deal…bad for them, great for us! Sox win 7-6. I just printed out my 9/28/05 post and ate the paper…gladly, Geoff Blum, gladly…


Mah ha! A grand slam, and it got better. Sox 7-Houston 6. Pods walk off dinger. The kids a god.


Joe Crede. Now say it with me, J-O-E…C-R-E-D-E. It’s that landing patch of hair on his chin he calls a baby beard. I don’t give one shit as long as they ball flies out. Way to go, Sox win 5-3.


Just got off the blower with Petey Whiteshoe’s, he’s my club manager. We just booked my NYC trip to clubs. I’ll be at The Comedy Cellar, Comic Strip Live, and Gotham’s. So if you have friends in NYC that you don’t want to be your friends any more, tell them about the shows. Look at SHOWS for more crap like time, place, and required shoe size to attend.


If you look up, you’ll notice today is the 18th. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, pretty damn cool huh?


Got the call from WLUP. What a sweet and sour day. Great the Sox won, but bad because I didn’t get hired to the new Johnny B team. Tim said, on Johnny B’s request, he would take less money but needed to hire the entire LA team in tact. Still sucks and was counting on helping change morning radio around here. Still will contribute from time to time, but not the same. Shit balls, just sucks hard, but gotta keep on chugging along.


A Bear win and the White Sox are in the World Series? I quickly bathed in gasoline in anticipation of the rapture. When the four horseman of the apocalypse come with flaming swords, I want to go up quick.

I can’t think straight. Is this real? Maybe I just drank too much, that would explain my pants at my ankles, face down on my coffee table, while my jacket was left back at MeGee’s. The Chicago White Sox are the ALCS champs! They won 6-3 and I expect to wake up sometime tomorrow afternoon finding out is was all a dream, and looking for my keys.


Sox win! Holy Konerko redux batman. My head is about to implode. After 46 years we’re one win away from the show. Keep the faith my kiddies, and buckle up Chicago. When they go, Chicago will never be the same. By that I mean sports wise, we’ll still be politically corrupt, have creepy mob ties, and allow the dead to vote Democrat.


I’m in Boca Raton FLA tonight! Spending some excellent time with family. Doris Olson, Omi, and little Skylar. She’s sunnys, brother’s daughter. Since her brother died a year ago this November, she needs extra love and is a sweet little button who’s worth it all.

Paul Konerko is a god! He slaps balls harder than the Spin float at the Chicago gay pride parade. Don’t have a show at the Improv in West Palm Beach so we’re all glued to the TV watching. Little Skylar has her pink Sox hat and shirt on, eating peanuts in the shell, cheering and yelling. Sox win, Sox win, Sox win! No bad calls, just a good ol’ fashioned ass whuppin!


To the umpires from tonight, I say this, “I love you, I thank you, and if you ever need a man to dress up like a lady of affluence while pretending to play the harpsichord with her tongue, I’m your guy!”

Bad call or not, the umpires didn’t steal second. Ozuna did. The umpires didn’t nail the game-winning hit. Crede did. Bitch all you want LA, say your rally monkey was spanked, say the umps stole it from you, or say AJ is really Satan while you’re all angles. Say whatever you like, it’s still 1-1…on to LA.


We lost! Sox loose, sox loose, sox loose. To that I say, no worries. They played like shit, and STILL were only one run down and in it till the end. Bounce back baby, it’s go time, and Chicago’s ready.


Beat the Red Sox? Are you shitting me? God, is this some cruel joke you’re playing on us White Sox fans? Will the world end tomorrow? If the answer is Yes to any of those I say Big, Fucking, Deal.

**John pantomimes a big globe, then humping air, then dealing cards**

To beat Boston in Boston is beyond words. This is the greatest October of my life…and that includes the one where I was the Greatest American Hero for Halloween, had more candy than humans should be allowed to eat, and made out with Mary Arliskes. Now it’s waiting time…either the Yanks or Angles!

Talked with Pauly and it looks like he got Eden Court out in time to Sundance which is a huge accomplishment in it self! Way to go Paul. So now everyone cross your fingers, toes, ears, and eye balls…but not legs…never legs.


Say it with me now…Sweep! Yep, broom time, in prime time for those Indians. Much love out to those amazing Indians. If we go anywhere in the post season, we owe them a huge thanks for the awesome ball they played pushing us to play better. If not for them, we wouldn’t be as sharp. Bring on the Yanks or Boston.


All is right in Soxland today. They played a kick ass game last night & the Indians lost which means the magic number is down to –4357…wait…that’s wrong. Two, the magic number is now 2 and Chicago is ready for anything. Yeee-freaking-ho!


Geoff Blum is a huge turd! Yeah, you heard right. White Sox player Geoff Blum is one monster brown log that just won’t fit down the porcelain throne. Please tell me we could have done better cause the Sox are slowing killing me softly with their shitty song…


Wade is great people. We’ll see how things go, but he is very interested in me and so might their TV/Film department. They are all just solid people from what I could tell. Who knows, I should be hearing from him in a couple weeks to see about meeting with the people from TV/Film and go from there. Eh, so many places so I’m making myself one mutha Peanut Butter and jelly sandwich for lunch…


Working away on the postcast that should be coming out in January 2006. Editing is such a bitch; not wife with a rolling pin bitch, but hard bitch. I have a new song that’s going to appear in it and wanted to share with all you sweet bastard people. Here are the lyrics, and I’ll have it up here soon. Rock on and enjoy:

Sitting in my car at the Jewel parking lot, sunk behind my dash

As people pass by, I hit the floor quickly pretending to look for lost cash

And then you came out walking, to your car as I wondered just what you’d do…


IF you ever found out I was Stalking YOU, IF you ever found out I was stalking you

It’s 1:37am, and I saw some headlights, a car pulled right up to your place

A handsome guy got out to open your door, I wanta take a brick and cave in his face

I’m getting a nasty rash from your bushes and have dog shit on each shoe


And IT’S all because I love staking YOU, and IT’S all because I love stalking you, honestly I feel like some secret agent guy when I’m stalking you

Now the cops are here and our love must end, well it’s been quiet a swell ride

There was no move you could make or piss you could take with my binoculars there’s nowhere to hide

And now you’ll file some paper work, maybe a restarting order or two


But I’ll never forget my days of stalking YOU, I’LL never forget my days stalking you, my memory’s not so good I might forget stalking you, I’ll bet my cell mate might push in my stool ewwww…I might have a serious mental problem


Meeting with Stewart Talent today for a possible new Chicago agent. They came recommended to me from this kick ass girl named Susan Kohler. She is this spicy little momma who I’ve worked with on other projects and photo shoots. Wade is the person I met with and is such a great guy. He was so busy I thought his head was going to explode. But no, it didn’t which is cool cause I don’t know if you’ve been around someone when that happens…it’s just a pain to clean it off and I was wearing a white shirt. Wade felt bad about how busy he was so we rescheduled for the following Wednesday.


Hummmmmmmmmm, what am I forgetting? *taps chin and looks in the air* What happened around this time a few years back? Four, I think? Was it when stamps were still only 34 cents? Nope, was it when people didn’t have to turn on the nightly news on Fox to hear about how we’re supposed to be afraid of everything? Na. Oh yeah, I remember, it’s the reason we all wear those little flag pins, because we hate towel heads and brown people. Sorry, my bad, I had a lot of x-rays done on my face and I forget things sometimes. What was I just typing about?


Stupid White Sox! Giving me false hope like that girl named Lindsay at Burton Place at 3:30am. Damn you and your 12-15 August. It’s like that dickhead high school Chemistry teacher when handing out test results. “You’ll all be pleasantly surprised…………….at how LOW all your scores are”. Come on Sox, don’t piss down your leg again, it’s hurts so much.


Who’s the dumb ass in the blue biohazard suit? I think the actual suit was from the film Out Break, it smelled short & Jewey…AKA Dustin Hoffmanish


Night shoot! Got your attention? Good. Got to the set around ten till five and checking in with Lynn and Jennifer. Great ladies who help run the show, and make sure everyone is where they are supposed to be, wearing what they are supposed to wear, when they’re needed. The whole cast and crew is all from Chicago, which rocks because there’s no attitude, everyone works their butts off, and there is this excellent family vibe.

I was in make-up by 5:15 and ready to go over to the set at 5:30. For West I have this green shirt, which is Sonja that reads “Mistake Were Made”. It’s kind of funny, but I had another one that read “Fuck Milk, Got Pot?” that I got in NYC four years ago. Since this IS a PG-13 movie, and it’s Paul’s first, no F-word, which is more than cool. Jennifer comes over in her Toro cart, and it’s off to the set, which happens to be the Schaumburg Fliers locker room.

It’s so surreal. I get out and see Pauly, and Pete Baigi, the director of Photography so I go say hi to them. Pete is awesome. He’s Irish catholic from a big family and now has his own big family so we hit it off right away. He’s funny guy, very cool to work with, and knows his shit inside and out. You might have seen him on Project Greenlight, and get this, he even left Oscar winning director Robert Altman’s current film to come do Paul’s. That speaks volumes of amazing class and independent spirit of Pete.

The scene was a blast. Tom is just flat out funny, and great. He does more emoting with his face from his forehead to his chin than any other comic actor I’ve seen, so I learned a lot. It was fun and such a pleasure to share. Christian’s just flat out funny and comes from a stand-up background. He just seemed like such a great guy from NYC who works hard and likes to laugh. The two other contestants with me were Danielle, and Greg who were awesome. We wrapped my second scene around midnight and I couldn’t have had more fun, with such really great people. I’m making a predication now; this film is going to be very good. Don’t know if it’ll be big. I just know Paul and it will be kick ass. It has this silly, subtle style all it’s own and the vibe of everyone involved was selfless and real endearing.

Side note-they needed an extra baseball player for a shot after I was wrapped and I said “anything to help out Pauly”, so I suited up. I am one of the ball players leaning on the rail during the hotdog race. Look for number 34. Well, gotta go, has anyone seen Ming Ming?


Ever been to the set of a real motion picture? Me nether! That’s why I’m going to do my best to tell you all about it. It’s fucking wild. They have people with tool belts running around, big white trucks filled with movie equipment, and a huge set of make-up/wardrobe/actors trailers off to the side. Oh yeah, did I mention ALL the hookers, Caviar, and crazy coke parties you want? Only thing is, for the coke parties, you have to snort it of the ass of 10 year-old Asian boy wearing only a loin-cloth named Ming Ming who speaks broken English; sorry SAG rules. Sad part is he starts to get tired after four hours or so…but WE don’t!

Actually it really is something amazing. My call time was 2:00pm, but got moved up due to rain. It didn’t rain, but I arrived around 12:00. Paul looked like he was born to direct complete with the “old timey” megaphone, crazy pants with the hips that bow out, knee high brown boot, and little brown barrette. He flat out had his shit ready, was buttoned up, and things while I was there went off without a hitch. In fact, his dad, Tom Leuer is in the movie as one of the baseball coaches so look for him.

They gave me a trailer with West’s name on it. I had to share it, which was more than fine with me considering I’m used to changing in a Port-O-Potty or an old Country Squire station wagon. The great part was that it was with an old friend I used to do sketch comedy with. Not only was it crazy to have a trailer with a working crapper, but it was fun catching up with an old friend. Turns out we are in a scene together too. I went to make-up and have to say that the make-up girl was the shit. Her shit was tomato’s, t-o-m-a-t-o-s. Go ahead try it, it works on almost any fruit or vegetable, except for beets, nothing ever works with beets.

After make up, got called to the set and watched, as they were finishing up some other scenes. On a set all you do is hurry up to wait. It’s like driving downtown. Quick, step on the gas and hurry to get to that red light, to wait. Water, I drank lots of water. Things started to wrap up around 7:00ish for the stripper scene with Tom and Christian, so we were going to bump my two scenes until tomorrow for the night shoot from 5:00pm to 5:00am. No worries, everyone was awesome, and water was free. It was crazy fun, and a slice of heaven. Till Tomorrow…


Reading my lines this weekend to get ready for Eden Court. Should four lines of one-word responses be this hard? They are for Dolph Lundgren, and we all know he’s a film legend so I don’t feel so bad.


Wow! My best friend Paul is moving forward with his first major motion picture project called Eden Court. He’s slated to direct it and it shoots here in Chicago for the next month which should kick the ass off a donkey. The film has Tom Lennon from "Reno 911" and Kimberly Williams from "Father of the Bride" and Stephnie Weir from Mad-TV. Paul asked me to play West Fitzwell, a college kid who has to give up his foam hot dog costume to help Tom Lennon’s character win an airplane ticket. Wait, should I have said **Spoiler** first? No, because you still don’t know what I’m talking about and neither do I? Cool-e-o. Right now the shooting dates for me are August 10th, and 11th. Paul is not only my best friend, he’s just flat out good people and he’s going to kick some serious ass with this so stay tuned. Updates as they come in…


Just wrapped up a photo session with these two awesome photographers named John and Andree McAuther from McArthur Photography ( for the Tribune. The shot is of me in a Biohazard suit standing with a glass of lemonade and watering the lawn. I have another shot sitting with lemonade and holding a tiny dog. It was fucking hot as hell in that suit. I almost passed out, cause as I came to find very quickly; rubber suits a no a breathe very good. Afterwards I wrung out my t-shirt and sweat poured out like a faucet. Great time, John and Andree was awesome, and their daughter was this sweet little artistic girl. Very cool people! Guess the photo will be out in the August 21st Sunday edition of the Chicago Tribune on the front page of the Tribune Magazine insert, so look for it and tell everyone “I know that assbag in that Bio-hazard suit. Shithead almost died while shooting it”.


Independence day. Still have all my fingers!


Wanted to give a huge shout out to all the troops stationed with my brother in Iraq-A-stan! Keep on kicking the ass off a donkey, and always have the “safety” off. Shit, sorry for not updating in a while. Been a slacker and a whore, but not necessarily in that order. It’s really more of being both so you could call me a “Slore”. Going to do my best to bring all you wonderful bastard people up on all that’s been happing with CC, shows, and some new shit as well. So buckle up, have a scotch, and bag of Funjuns near by. It could be, well, fun…


Guess Chappelle finally met with them over there, but nothing was said to us about future projects we have in the pitch pipeline. Have no idea what’s going on there or what they are thinking about. Joel is calling them, but haven’ talked in while with him cause I’ve been traveling. We’re kind of in this sort of pitch limbo with them, where they haven’t passed on the pitches yet, but have no real time line of when they will give us a yes or no. For now, looks like we’ll be hooking up with FOX soon to talk to them again about new stuff. So it time to keep on trucking, and never trust whitey!


Tim from WLUP sent me an e-mail about helping them with the open morning slot:

“I think the best role for you would be as a cast member to surround the host(s) based on what I've gained thusfar. Once we have identified who the hosts might be, we will have an idea of who we might need and the budget we'll have to work with. Sit tight and I'll let you know once we get to that point."

I love different font. It gets me hot. Not sock on the cock hot, but excited hot. We’ll see how this all shakes out. If I’m still in town and can help out in any way, would be honored. With other project coming up, who knows. You just keep on trucking and if it works out, cool, if not, something always pops up to take it’s place.


They found him, but things are over for his show coming out on time, which means not much in the way of new stuff with them till they clear up this huge mess. He’s their main guy, and things kind of seem in chaos over there. Things might never clear up with them and Dave, my outside guess would be that most development is on hold.

Between shows and putting together a demo for the program director at the WLUP/ 97.9 for helping out with their morning slot have enough shit going on, so I’m not waiting around.


Chappelle’s gone! He just kind of left. They don’t know what’s going on, but it seems to be their main focus, like it should be so talks are on hold till they find out what’s happening with him. It’s like a fucking line at the DMV, just waiting.


My manger Joel just moved from management companies Power to PP&Y. This might throw kind of monkey wrench into the talks right now as I’ve never gone through this and don’t know what all that means legally. He’s been super busy with the move so he hasn’t talked to CC and I haven’t really talked to him in a couple days.


We’re still in kind of a holding pattern. They seem very pre-occupied with other stuff on their schedule that’s up in the air, but still have interest. Joel is calling them to discuss all the specifics and see if we’re moving forward at all. No news is good news, but it’s all pretty much bullshit.


Talked with Joel today and he hasn’t spoken with CC yet. Said he’ll be contacting the director of development to get feedback on the two pitches from a month ago.

Far as I know, this does three things. One, find out how far along the pitches have been worked through CC management, two, if they still like them as much as they did in the meeting, and then craft a development deal for both shows. Since this is the first pitch I give that a network really liked, I don’t exactly know what the next steps are, or how long they take. That makes it the nerve racking, yet exciting thing to go through. Each day you wonder, “Will I be in a bungalow in one month creating this raw, funny, original idea”, or “get a phone call saying, Thanks, but no thanks”. Time to just wait and see.


No real comedy news today. However, you will get a special St Pattys day column here since I’m Irish and that means today is a big deal for me.

It’s St. Patty’s Day in A-Town(Aurora, IL.) with my brother Jay and his wife Heidi! Wow, NCAA basketball, Major League Steroid trials, and a monster helping of Jewel’s Taco Dip with Scoop chips. It doesn’t get much better than that unless it rotating hand jobs from the ghost of Marylyn Monroe, Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O’Connor, and the girl at the end of those Burger King Tender-crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch commercials.

The highlight was eating diner with my parents, Evelyn, and Jay at this Irish pub we’ve been going to for over 15 years called Pat’s Pub in West Plaza. Oh yeah, corned beef and cabbage as far as the eye can see, with green beer to wash that crap down. As usual, I had bread and Ranch dressing.

After diner, Heidi had to bag cause she had an early sign-in, she’s a flight attendant, not “Slutty waitress in the sky” as I incorrectly pointed out on flight 1776 to LA. So it was on to this bar to watch the flying Illini take on Farleigh Dickenson. What I didn’t realize was that is was also Karaoke night. That’s right; while trying to watch Illinois play I had to contend with some guy butchering George Michael’s “Careless Whisper”. Do you have any idea what it’s like to watch Dee Brown slashing down the lane while your ears are bleeding to “I’m never gonna dace again, guilty feet have got no rhythm…I’m never gonna dace gain, the way I danced with YOU…”? All I can say is thank god for Captain Morgan.

Meet some of the people who work with my brother, they was Andy, JB, Jodi, and these other two guys who were great. All I remember was ending the night by talking with JB, and some other new friends about the possible problems of ordering Taco Bell while drunk, if you were in Knight Rider’s car Kit. Great St. Patty’s day!


Fox guy called. The phone rings “Hello, I have ****** on the line for you, hold please”. He comes on and we chat about the pitches. Was cool, because he mentioned he liked the shows a lot, but they already had money tided up in sketch with the Grammar project, but if the show took off, they’d look at others, mine included. The other idea was deemed too broad for FOX audience, since Arrested Development might be cancelled after winning two Emmy’s, they wouldn’t pick up a similar style show. He seems to genuinely like me though asking me to send him my stand-up stuff, and to keep in touch with him at least once a month. Seems like a great place to do a vanilla comedy show when all I want is a paycheck and not really care about the content.

Later that afternoon, my friend Ike called and mentioned that he’s wrapping up his second season on Mad and is damn happy to have a little free time to swing out to Amsterdam. That’d be the life, wing out to Holland whenever you want. We talked over the CC pitches and mentioned I wanted him to look though the character pitch sheets I sent him to see if anybody jumped out at him that he’d like to play. Had an Irish dealer with a hair trigger temper, or a doped out spacey security guard he’d be perfect for, but we’ll see what he likes first. It always so great talking to Ike cause LA can be so bullshity, but he never is which makes me believe you can still do solid comedy work out there, take their money, then come home here to recharge. It would be a blast to just jam out with old friends, make new ones, and try to create something very new, raw, and hilarious to me. Who knows, so just like the Teen Wolf song, “you gotta go with the flow Joe”.

Talked with my good friend Emo over e-mail today. He’s a legendary stand-up comic and even better person. He wanted me to come out and do some time when he’s at Zanies in Chicago, and Vernon Hills. We did such a great one together in January 2004 at Zanies in Vernon Hills and he told me “John, when you get your sit-com, I’d to play your strange neighbor”. A little know fact about Emo is that he was an executive producer for the original Meet The Parents in 1992 which DreamWorks eventually bought, recast, and shot again with Stiller and DeNiro. He played the Store Clerk in the 92 version and look for Emo who has a cameo in the 2000 one. It’s always special seeing again, and working with him. He kind of recharges my love of comedy.


Meet with FOX today. Wow, how intimidating. I walk in and the lot was fucking HUGE! It’s kind of crazy around there. It’s just like the movies you see with the wardrobe racks passing, lots of noise, and people already in costumes. The coolest thing was seeing a massive mural of Darth and Luke fighting, and right across was an entire wall covered in Simpson’s characters.

Was great seeing Jeremy again. He is honestly one of those no bullshit guys who just loves raw funny comedy, Bruce Springsteen, and making groundbreaking shows. We talked for about an hour and he took notes. Half way through the pitches, I noticed a newly printed American Dad poster starring me down, and had to comment, cause it was getting intimating like the Dad in poster started moving his lips at me saying “AND, remember kid, we’re already on the air, which means you gots a loooooooooooong way to go”. After the meeting Jeremy said he’d get back to me in a couple weeks cause they just picked up some sketch show from Kelsey Grammer THAT night and would be busy getting ready for it’s premire. On my way out, he had this awesome woman, (can’t remember her name, but she is the assistant to the head of Fox) bring me passed the Emmy for Arrested Development, which was way bigger than I ever thought.

The odd part for me was that it’s right next to an Emmy for Alley McBeal. I thought, that’s kind of like having Hilary Swanks Oscar for Best Actress sitting right next to Teri Weigel’s AVN golden pussy statue for Best Anal Themed Actress. It was a dream come true for a comic and writer to even be there in the first place, but with TV sucking harder than CBS Spring break Shark Attack, or a porn star with no gag reflex, they need fresh, new funny people with original ideas. What’s with me and porn? After a successful meeting with Fox, what does a comic take back to hotel? You guess it, a bus. Keep you fingers crossed, but this meeting seemed more to keep the Fox in the loop of stuff I’m working on, as he appeared glad in talking to me, just not overly interested in either pitch.


My pitch meeting with Comedy Central is today. Flew out of Midway today and landed in LA. My cab driver was very cool; he ended up telling me “you should write a book about comedy”. If I ever do, I’m putting “Thanks to the cabbie from LA who told me to” on the flap of the book jacket. Got to the Motel 8 right on Sunset and Vine near the old Pussy Kat XXX theatre. It was torn down, so I stood there quietly and shed a masturbatory tear.

This meeting has got me as nervous as a cute sleepy kid staying in Michael Jackson bedroom. I walked into CC a little late and there was my manger hanging out talking to everybody like he runs the damn place. I just sat quietly was watched The Great Outdoors on the TV in the lobby. We were lead into a big glass conference room and meet with three awesome people. One man, and two women.

The pitch went off with out a hitch. We meet for almost 45 minutes and they loved both of the show ideas a lot. They wanted time to talk to a number of people at the network to flesh out the ideas and then they would get back to us. When one of the women shook my hand she said, “it’s been an honor meeting you”. Shit, that was not only humbling, it made me melt a little inside. I completely like the vibe at CC, they understand the comedy process, like to take creative risks, and thrive on new programming. In simple terms, they get it. If there ever was a perfect home for my style of comedy this might be it. On my way out, in walks this skinny black guy in sweats…that’s right, it was Dave Chapelle, I nearly crapped my trunks. It was very surreal. Who know with the world of television so we’ll see what happens, but after today, I’m going to celebrate tonight!